December 7th, 2014: News Bulletin

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DAILY BUGLE

DECEMBER 7th, 2014

AMNESTY GRANTED TO ALL MUTANTS EXCEPT FOR THAT NO-GOOD MENACE TO SOCIETY!!! BY J. JONAH JAMESON Apparently S.H.I.E.L.D and the World Security Council are in the giving spirit this time of year, and have offered a get-out-of-jail free card to the mutants running rampant across our streets. We were in contact with Nita Strassburg, assistant to Robert Armitage, member of the World Security Council, this past week, who confirmed this slightly ridiculous piece of information. One has to wonder, at this point, why it's Strassburg telling us all this rubbish, and not Armitage himself. Trouble in paradise? Who knows? What we do know is that Ms Strassburg has been spotted hanging off the arm of a certain Mr Stark as of late... or at least, what my less-than-professional colleagues know, as if I'm interested in that garbage. In any case, the Daily Bugle, and Yours Truly, has greater concerns, which can be expressed in three words: what the f***? Just a few short weeks ago, one of my esteemed colleagues reported on an incident, where the formerly top secret organisation attacked an apartment complex in the Brooklyn area. Now, I know what you're all thinking, the only way that Brooklyn can actually be cleaned up is by blowing it up and building it back up again, but that's not the point! First, S.H.I.E.L.D attempt to push forward this Superhuman Registration Act, in the interest of 'protecting the general public', then they go ahead and grant amnesty to the very menace threatening the public - and no, I'm not referring to that spandex clad vigilante! If I'm not very much mistaken, the World Security Council are supposed to be overseeing the operations of S.H.I.E.L.D, not bowing down to one of its bleeding heart members, and his assistant who can't seem to keep her panties on! Talk about unprofessional, folks. However, Ms Strassburg has gone out of her way to assure us here at the Daily Bugle, so that you the public can be assured, that S.H.I.E.L.D has not completely taken their eye off the ball. Their attention is still very much focussed on Spiderman, and they do believe they're on their way to finally apprehending the traitors; Natasha Romanoff, Steve Rogers and Maria Hill - you know, the people S.H.I.E.L.D is singlehandedly responsible for inflicting on the world in the first place? Yeah, those people. So, there you have it folks; S.H.I.E.L.D, the organization tasked with policing forces you and I cannot conceive of, letting those forces off the hook in the name of 'Christmas spirit', and 'guilt' from the disastrous consequences of that fundraiser a few months ago. How safe are you feeling right now? Oh, and in other news, just when you thought S.H.I.E.L.D couldn't get more lackadaisical, apparently that raving lunatic known as 'Loki of Asgard', who is 'burdened with glorious purpose', has managed to escape.

thanks brooklyn from caution and atf!