March 22nd, 2015: News Bulletin

[☆ NPC ☆]

DAILY BUGLE

MARCH 22nd, 2015

BREAK IN AT ISLAND PRISON MUTANT ESCAPEES AT LARGE BY J. JONAH JAMESON I hate to say I told you so but... heck! Who am I kidding? I love to say I told you so! Anyone noticing a pattern here since that Mutant Amnesty? No? No one at all? Well, let me bring you up to speed. Ever since the amnesty was granted to all of mutant kind, as some sort of apology for what happened at that fundraiser last year, we've had gun toting supes wreaking havoc on the streets, helicarriers systematically blowing up buildings, metal mutants going on rampages, and now, folks, we've had break ins. These people think themselves invincible. Not only do they think themselves above us, but now they apparently think themselves above the law as well. Ryker's Prison, situated off the coast of New York City, was broken into last night. No one knows for certain who was responsible for the break in, but the consensus appears to be that a group of mutants did this, utilizing their so-called 'gifts'. The newly appointed director of S.H.I.E.L.D declined to comment on the most recent break in, after mutants reportedly broke into the New York base last year, but assistant to Robert Armitage, a member of the World Security Council, Nita Strassburg, did have this to say: "We really don't know any more than you do at the present time. What is known is that some people - yes, people - managed to infiltrate Ryker's Island penitentiary last night. Yes, I will reiterate, people as in plural. It could only have been multiples, but bear in mind, people who could have very well been humans too. Think about it, why would mutants seek to break into this prison? There was nothing there of value to them, so why waste their resources on something of that nature?" Why indeed? Could it be that there is more to Ryker's Island penitentiary than meets the eye? Something that the higher ups at S.H.I.E.L.D doesn't want us to know about? What this reporter does know is this; Ms Strassburg looked like a woman desperate for a drink. And what his insiders also know is this; mutants didn't just break into the prison. It is likely some also broke out. My sources also managed to obtain a list of inmates from the 'unaccounted for' logs, some of which would seriously explain why Ms Strassburg has resorted to alcohol as of late. WANDA MAXIMOFF. We don't know much about Maximoff only that she and her brother were seen running in Erik Lehnsherr's circles some years ago. You remember? Mutant terrorist? Controls metal? Tried to turn all of the world leaders into mutants? Tried to wipe all humans on a few occasions? Laid waste to Alcatraz Island with his Brotherhood? Nope? None of that ringing a bell? Well, apparently this young woman, described as having a diminutive frame, red hair, and creepy ass eyes can also do some creepy ass stuff - my source may not be the most eloquent, but the fact this woman was once allied with Lehnsherr tells me enough: she's a mutant. There there's @colossus. This particular individual; tall, built like a brick shit house, black hair, Russian, built like brick shit house - need I say more? - was recently apprehended by S.H.I.E.L.D after he took down an entire squadron of their agents. You remember that metal mutant that went on a rampage not too long ago. Yeah, that's your guy! And Ryker's was apparently where he was being maintained. This little number can apparently transform himself into metal, and bulldoze his way through over fifty men at once. Yeah, I'd be drinking if I were Strassburg as well, because if it wasn't for her bleeding heart, all of this could have been avoided! And finally there's... LeBeau? Seriously? That's a name? Oh, don't tell me, he's a ladykiller isn't he? Well, I certainly hope so, 'cause if he's ugly, he might want to consider a name change. Anyway, REMY LEBEAU. The guy does something with energy... and he has a stick! LeBeau is responsible for a great number of thefts that have taken place on and off over the last few years in the city of New York. He's also apparently slept with thirty percent of the female population of our great city... I'm not sure if that can be considered a crime, but for the sake of this report, I'm gonna say it is! Reports also suggest that one of the mutants who played a part in the break in was found when S.H.I.E.L.D arrived on the scene to inspect. Not sure how sympathetic I can be, but since we lost Warren Worthington II not too long ago, I suppose I can squeeze out one solitary tear for his son, WARREN WORTHINGTON III, who was found in the wreckage, dead. Wouldn't surprise me if the mutants he had broken into the facility with were also responsible, which the director of S.H.I.E.L.D has assured me will be identified in due time. And how could all of this have been avoided, you ask? Simple. By finally implementing the Superhuman Registration Act. As much as I like rolling in the dough that just flows in from these freaks, I gotta say, not even the pills are helping me sleep much at night anymore. In other news... what is with the alarming amount of people that can just switch into animals on command? Are they mutants too? Seriously, I am getting old, folks.

thanks brooklyn from caution and atf!